Searching...

I started searching for a bible study to complete online. I'd really like an actual book to work through with questions at the end of each section but I found a site online that gives a small amount of reading and then has some questions to consider, so I've decided to start there. I found a small lesson of the Fruits of the Spirit. I've heard sermons on the Fruits and have had discussions about the Fruits so I understand what they are. I personally don't feel like I'm bearing any kind of fruit...maybe the fruit that's just began to grow, but is still green and hard and unripened. But that's as close to fruit as I've gotten... so far. For some reason, I picture my spirit as super thirsty and begging for gallons of water. That's the yearning I feel or have been feeling since before I actually got Saved. And while I know that I've known the Lord for a very long time, since the 3rd grade or even before that, which is a WHOLE other blogg in itself, I feel like I've had a thirsting spirit for as far back as I can remember. It's never really been quenched and I'm not sure that it will ever really be quenched because only then will that mean that I have no more desire to seek the Lord, right? But I want that noticeable "fruit bearing" presence to fill me up. You know, the one that you can see on a "fruit bearing" persons face? Wait... Fruit Bearing... let me explain just in case you don't know what that is.

Matthew 7:17-20 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁷Even so, every healthy (sound) tree bears good fruit [^[a]worthy of admiration], but the sickly (decaying, worthless) tree bears bad (worthless) fruit.

    ¹⁸A good (healthy) tree cannot bear bad (worthless) fruit, nor can a bad (diseased) tree bear ^[b]excellent fruit [worthy of admiration].

    ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and cast into the fire.

    ²⁰Therefore, you will ^[c]fully know them by their fruits.

Ok, so we get what fruit is? Here's another way to explain it... I remember when I was in middle school there was this one girl who always seem to 'glow'. It was like she was always happy, never had a bad day, walked with an air of confidence and pride that wasn't self-righteous or conceited. She just radiated a peace that was unshakable. I remember wishing I had whatever it was that she had for breakfast so I could feel that way too. I was drawn to her simply because she was so happy all the time. I even held a grudge against her for a very long time, and struggle still today with even being in the same vicinity as she, which doesn't happen often. It was her relationship with Jesus that was showing in her; bearing the fruit of the spirit, drawing people in. A light so bright that it drew me in. When I tried to make friends with her, she never really responded and I took that as she being stuck up or thinking she was too good. Little did she know, she was that beacon of light shining for a little boat out in rough waters. Her Fruits weren't green and unripened... but I don't think she knew or had reached that point of understanding in her "fruit bearing walk with God".  


As I'm reading this little study it tells me that God wants to give me a peace; free me of my anxiety and stress. It just so happened that as I was reading that statement I realized that I was rubbing the side of my lap top computer with my thumb about a million miles a minute while my knee bounced up and down sporadically. I was even holding my breath as I read and didn't realize it till I felt overcome with emotion and wanted to cry. Jarred out of my emotion by my phone ringing I took a deep breath. 


I don't think I'm alone in the Christian world. A Christian with her halo half on fire fighting to keep on the straight and narrow, with a burning desire to know more of God and to have him show more abundantly in her life in a more obvious way to those around her. This is why I'm seeking studies that will help draw me closer to Him and help me be more of who He created me to be, in Him. And while I'm searching for what it is that my purpose is, or who it is that I'm supposed to become I only pray that the little tid bits that I stumble upon will be another brick in the foundation of my relationship with him. I pray that everything I learn will help me bear "ripened" fruits so I can be that light for all the little ships in the sea. 

Dreams...Bad or Good and from who and why?

So I've been known to have very vivid dreams; most of which scare or worry the mess out of me and they range from spiritual or nightmare on elm street to love, lust and other crazy nonsense type dreams. Last night I had a dream that when I woke, had me first thinking I need to call or get in touch with the guy who married my husband and I, and then I thought about each of my brothers and then it hit me...all the visuals of the dream started coming to memory. Specifics like how dark it was, literally, no light or very little light, and my feeling of security for myself but my fear for others. Notice I said "for" others, not of others. I fight back the urge to cry even now, because the sense of desperation and loss and the feeling of helplessness that I held in the dream was very overpowering... Here.... let me just tell you the dream... bare with me... I'm going to describe things the best I can.

I'm not sure exactly of the first part of my dream. I want to say it was Robby and I. We were on our way to visit a friend I hadn't seen since high school. We found her house easy enough, walked into the house and talked with she and someone else for a little while. The next thing I know I'm looking for my old vets office (and I don't have an "old vet" so I have no idea how he was my old vet in this dream). His office had moved and while I was in the process of looking for it, I ran into other people like my mother-in-law and someone else I knew but I have no idea who at this point. I know I ended up at a place where I was going to bed, but for some reason I was worried that Satan was coming to take people that night. I discussed this with the person I was with, who wasn't my husband but I can't say whether that person was male or female either. I want to say the person was male but I want to say he was of God too... like an angel but I don't know for sure. Anyway... I kept telling everyone that I talked to that they needed to know what was about to happen. I can't remember if people took me seriously or not, but I remember feeling alone in my belief. That night, another man appeared... dark... no features really... just a dark presents. He didn't have any hair, I remember that much. He stuck his hand out to me and I turned away saying "I don't belong to you, I belong to Jesus, the righteous one." I said it a couple of times and he quit pursuing me. Then I saw the other man or angel that I'd been with all the time and told him everything. He and I went to where my brother Bobby was and I told Bobby what was happening... then "he" appeared. Here comes that helpless feeling. It was too late, he'd come for my brother and I couldn't stop him. Bobby looked at me with a blank yet fearful stare, curled up on the bed he was lying on and as I watched, his skin turned dark and faded, like he was aging with rapid speed and dying before my eyes. I cried out to him that I would love him forever and ever and that I was so sorry I let him down. I cried and cried, wishing i could stop what was happening but it was something i knew was coming and I had known for a long time. Suddenly I was in a room filled with other people some of which I knew I was always surrounded with like family, but I can't really remember which faces were there. I do remember seeing Robby's Aunt Rose walk in and I do remember seeing my step mom there... I remember telling everyone what was happening and that I knew "he" was going to get Brandon next and that I was scared to death for him because he would have to go through it alone with no one there... I'd been there for Bobby but Brandon would be all alone, lost... I remember crying and feeling so helpless... but it's at that point that I wake up. I lay still thinking "I need to tell Kevin", and then revisiting the images and the feelings and the fear. And then I just started to cry which woke Robby who was worried in his sleepiness.... he knows my dreams, when I have them, get the best of me.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to view this dream.... is there meaning behind it? Was it meant to be an evil dream from the Enemy? Was it meant to tell me something according to the Word Of God? I know the bible talks about the return of the Lord being like a "thief",

Revelation 16:15
"Behold, I come like a thief! Blessed is he who stays awake and keeps his clothes with him, so that he may not go naked and be shamefully exposed." 


1Thessalonians 5:2 
for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night.


But even with these words from the Lord telling us of his return and how it will happen do they have any meaning in my dream... is my dream a message needing to be deciphered? The urges I have now are to run and tell the world that God is coming and that something even worse will be coming to... death in darkness and eternal loneliness...but that doesn't even scrape the top of it...




(I probably won't proof read this because the dream is so fresh it was hard to type without crying from the feelings that come from the visuals and remembering, and I don't want to cry again)