Open Mouth, Insert Foot!

Yep... we've all been there... all done that... except when it's happened to you have you felt the remorse you should have felt or did you just blow it off like what you said was something someone else was thinking but didn't have the nerve to say it themselves?

Today I did just that... I instantly felt remorse but instead of saying something to right my wrong, I just left it alone. I didn't apologize because I was afraid of making it a bigger issue, and since people, having realized I said something really stupid, went right on to another topic as if not to park there and make it any worse, I followed in suit. My words were such that I'm almost certain I insulted someone; hurting them. i can say that hurting someone is the absolute LAST thing I would ever want to do and my regret is overwhelming. It wasn't just the remorse that had me by my heart strings though, it was the fact that I usually hold tight to a scripture that asks the Lord to guard the tongue... Psalm 19:14 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight oh Lord, my rock, my redeemer"... which for a while had been so very helpful in my attempts to "bite my tongue" in my anger or frustrations, or when I wanted to participate in gossip and such. Somewhere along the way that verse has gotten lost and because of that my tongue has run a'muck!

It's good to know that my immediate conviction is still there... though why would He ever leave me? It is written, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut. 31:8. I take comfort in knowing that no matter how off the beaten path I stray, He'll be there to lovingly, yet firmly guide me back. Thank you Lord that you hold me accountable in my words and actions. Thank you Lord that I felt that conviction and that I was able to recognize it instantly. I pray that you'll continue to help me watch my mouth, my words, my thoughts, my attitude and my witness Lord. I pray that whatever light has burned out in me you will once again relight and have it burn brighter to glorify you. Lord I pray that the person I may have hurt will forgive me and see past my short comings and know that I'm truly a compassion and loving person. Lord I thank you for the times when things are all butterflies and rainbows, but I also thank you for the times when weathering the storm seems to be so hard sometimes because it's then we're refined and feel your closeness so much more.  In Jesus Name I pray... 

Having all the answers, is not always the best answer!

As a parent you hope that you can prevent your children from going through the trials that you yourself encountered when you were their age. You hope. But what happens when you can't?? What do you do then?? You find yourself wondering what you would have wanted done to alleviate a situation or resolve a problem... but even today, with the hindsight and experience you've gained through all of life's little broken roads, you still don't have the answer. So you instruct your child... you advise your child... you guide, comfort, you do everything you know to do but for some reason you find that none of those things are really helping them at that very moment. It's a helpless situation for both of you. You're distraught over how to be the best parent in the world when you can't even come up with a remedy to a child's problem and your child feels like you, as the parent, should have all the answers and what you tell them should work perfectly without hiccup. Both are left disappointed, just hoping that some little something somewhere will be the inkling of hope for both of you and will magically appear and fix the situation.

I've thought about this off and on for a while. Having a middle school child and that child being a very outgoing social butterfly, it goes without saying that there's plenty of issues that need remedied. I find myself wondering if anything I say ever seeps into that thick skull of hers... and if what's held by that thick skull could only put 2 and 2 together she would be so much better off. I've found myself telling her that I can't fix all her problems for her, that she has to learn to face them head on and work them out herself. I know that personal growth doesn't come from someone holding your hand through every thick and thin, but you personally pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and facing it head on yourself. Life experience gives you the tools to face the next big hurdle, but if you're not learning from your experiences, those hurdles can seem ten feet tall sometimes. Hence my bewilderment over trying to help my daughter in her personal battles, but at the same time, leaving her to sink or swim so she can develop the strength and experience she needs to face future battles.

In thinking about this... the fact that looking back on similar problems I faced at my child's age, I began to think that it's not about my finding a solution to every problem, but that I'm a sounding board for my child. That I'm able to comfort and relate to the situation, a safe place for her to fall when she's had all she can take. I may not have all the answers, but I can relate, and in my ability to relate I can guide and comfort her so she doesn't feel alone. As Christians, we don't always get all the answers we need from the Lord when we're faced with hardship. Sometimes we're left out to sink or swim or so it seems, but ultimately when we carry our burdens to the Lord, he's there to comfort us and show His ability to understand why we feel the way we do, and relate to the place of hurt or disappointment we feel. He may not give us the answers but he's the safe place for us to fall. And we may never, even after years of life experience, know the answers to what once troubled us, but we know that we could take refuge in our Heavenly Father. I want to be that refuge for my children, no matter the problem, turmoil, chaos, and confusion... to put it plainly, having all the answers is not always the best answer!

Nahum 1:7 God is good, a hiding place in tough times. He recognizes and welcomes anyone looking for help, No matter how desperate the trouble.

Thoughts from the bumpy roads of marriage

From the outside looking in everything looks prim and proper... people have told me that they wished so much that they could find a relationship similar to the one Robby and I share. But if they knew the trials that Robby and I have faced and overcome and the trials we face each day that sometimes seem relentless and constant, they might think differently. See it's not that we don't love each other or have a strong enough marriage to withstand trial and hardship...evidently we do because we're still married 8 long years later... it's that we choose not to give into what might seem like an easy fix... divorce. I shutter at the word, the thought, the definition behind the word. I can't imagine my family broken into tiny little pieces, scatter here and there for everyone to peck at. I can't imagine what my life would be like without Robby as my partner. I can't imagine having to ship my kids off for the weekend or every other week for week for a shared custody arrangement. Those things are just the tip of the divorce iceberg and I refuse to see our life in that manner. Robby and I have been married 8 years, but we feel like it's been 20 years! Putting the "cart before the horse" will make it feel that way, but there's a huge initial commitment vowed that bound our marriage together more permanently than any super glue... "no matter what, divorce will NEVER be an option". We both agreed that we just don't believe in throwing in the towel. We're in it for the long haul...according to the vows "for better or worse". There have been many, more than enough, "better" times. More so than the "worse" times, but sometimes the "worse" times seem to linger and be more memorable than the "better" times. I know it's so cliche to say "give your marriage to God" but if you think about it, who else has a better grasp on how a "marriage" or relationship should look or actually "be"? Wasn't it God that created the first union? Wasn't it God that said "he who finds a good wife obtains favor from the Lord"? Of course if a wife finds a good husband they'll have favor too... but that's another blog... I can't imagine that God hasn't known the heart of myself and my husband for the last 8 years... after all, he's known my heart from the day I prayed for Him to send me a "partner" that I would know was from Him.He's probably looked down at us and shook his head more times than I'd like to admit, but he's never failed to keep our marriage on the path he's planned for us, and because we chose to give our marriage back to him. A marriage can't be secured, solidified and maintained properly without the counsel of the creator of marriage Himself. Without it's creator, it's doomed.  Marriage is definitely a bumpy road, similar to that of the relationship we hold with our heavenly father, but a marriage in which our heavenly father is center will withstand all of the bumps!

Thank you Lord for the bumps...thank you that these bumps help us to reflect on where we've come from and how much good has come as a result of your presence during the hard and bumpy times. Lord, I pray that you'll always be the center of my marriage and every marriage that's bound in heaven by you. I pray you'll help the wives and the husbands see and feel the needs of each other and when they need counsel they'll seek you first. Father I ask that you bless each wife and each husband as they call out to you Lord during they're "bumpy" times and that they'll remember you during the "better" times. Thank you, Father for the union I have with my husband. In Jesus name... Amen.

To push or not to push... this is the question

My sons been playing baseball since he was 4 or so... he started in Tball and graduated to pitching machine last season. He like baseball or so we thought. He would say yes he liked it and then would turn around and say "I only play cause my daddy makes me." The first time he said that my husband laughed it off saying our son was tired and hot and in a bad mood cause he didn't feel like practicing. But it kind of struck a deep down motherly type chord that felt way out of tune. He continued to play and continued to have the same attitude about practicing and playing (some) games. I began to worry that we were making him do something he really truely didn't want to do, but my husband really believed that our son was just frustrated cause practices hadn't gone the way he wanted them to go or because he was being lazy and didn't want to get up and go. This last season, nearly 4 years later, we decided to let our son make the decision to quit baseball. He kept making the comment that he wanted to try football and that he liked playing soccer. We reluctantly allowed him to sign up for football (he's played soccer before and while he did great with soccer, we thought it would be wise to let him try a sport he'd not tried before). Tonight was his first practice and much to our surprise he did exceptionally well. The only hiccup he had the whole time was the mouth guard, which he's been trying to tell us for three days now, choking him. He started to cry; typical for our kid... he's a softy and needs to get past the emotional outbursts. I could hear my husband scolding him trying to get him to toughen up and stop the crying but I wondered if it was because our son needed to stop crying or if it was because my husband was embarrassed that our little football player was boohooing in front of everyone. I mean, if there's not crying in baseball there sure as heck isn't any crying in football, right??  Our son isn't built like a machine, is actually right on target for height, is a tiny bit under weight (he doesn't eat a lot of meat) and is a softy at heart. So with all that in mind, the question has posed itself... do we push him and push him until he toughens up, or is this a kid that needs to be left to figure it out for himself? Does he need to try everything until he finds what makes him happy? Do we let him jump from sport to sport until he makes up his mind? Or do we push him to stick with one or two (season rotating sports) options and if so, for how long? What parent wants to shove something down their kids throat that they don't like? Isn't it just our responsibility to let them have the options and taste all the flavors so they can decide for themselves? Aren't we supposed to push our kids until their limit is either reached or until they finally have a break through and take off on their own full sprint?? 

To Push or Not to Push... this is the question. 

Searching...

I started searching for a bible study to complete online. I'd really like an actual book to work through with questions at the end of each section but I found a site online that gives a small amount of reading and then has some questions to consider, so I've decided to start there. I found a small lesson of the Fruits of the Spirit. I've heard sermons on the Fruits and have had discussions about the Fruits so I understand what they are. I personally don't feel like I'm bearing any kind of fruit...maybe the fruit that's just began to grow, but is still green and hard and unripened. But that's as close to fruit as I've gotten... so far. For some reason, I picture my spirit as super thirsty and begging for gallons of water. That's the yearning I feel or have been feeling since before I actually got Saved. And while I know that I've known the Lord for a very long time, since the 3rd grade or even before that, which is a WHOLE other blogg in itself, I feel like I've had a thirsting spirit for as far back as I can remember. It's never really been quenched and I'm not sure that it will ever really be quenched because only then will that mean that I have no more desire to seek the Lord, right? But I want that noticeable "fruit bearing" presence to fill me up. You know, the one that you can see on a "fruit bearing" persons face? Wait... Fruit Bearing... let me explain just in case you don't know what that is.

Matthew 7:17-20 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁷Even so, every healthy (sound) tree bears good fruit [^[a]worthy of admiration], but the sickly (decaying, worthless) tree bears bad (worthless) fruit.

    ¹⁸A good (healthy) tree cannot bear bad (worthless) fruit, nor can a bad (diseased) tree bear ^[b]excellent fruit [worthy of admiration].

    ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and cast into the fire.

    ²⁰Therefore, you will ^[c]fully know them by their fruits.

Ok, so we get what fruit is? Here's another way to explain it... I remember when I was in middle school there was this one girl who always seem to 'glow'. It was like she was always happy, never had a bad day, walked with an air of confidence and pride that wasn't self-righteous or conceited. She just radiated a peace that was unshakable. I remember wishing I had whatever it was that she had for breakfast so I could feel that way too. I was drawn to her simply because she was so happy all the time. I even held a grudge against her for a very long time, and struggle still today with even being in the same vicinity as she, which doesn't happen often. It was her relationship with Jesus that was showing in her; bearing the fruit of the spirit, drawing people in. A light so bright that it drew me in. When I tried to make friends with her, she never really responded and I took that as she being stuck up or thinking she was too good. Little did she know, she was that beacon of light shining for a little boat out in rough waters. Her Fruits weren't green and unripened... but I don't think she knew or had reached that point of understanding in her "fruit bearing walk with God".  


As I'm reading this little study it tells me that God wants to give me a peace; free me of my anxiety and stress. It just so happened that as I was reading that statement I realized that I was rubbing the side of my lap top computer with my thumb about a million miles a minute while my knee bounced up and down sporadically. I was even holding my breath as I read and didn't realize it till I felt overcome with emotion and wanted to cry. Jarred out of my emotion by my phone ringing I took a deep breath. 


I don't think I'm alone in the Christian world. A Christian with her halo half on fire fighting to keep on the straight and narrow, with a burning desire to know more of God and to have him show more abundantly in her life in a more obvious way to those around her. This is why I'm seeking studies that will help draw me closer to Him and help me be more of who He created me to be, in Him. And while I'm searching for what it is that my purpose is, or who it is that I'm supposed to become I only pray that the little tid bits that I stumble upon will be another brick in the foundation of my relationship with him. I pray that everything I learn will help me bear "ripened" fruits so I can be that light for all the little ships in the sea. 

Dreams...Bad or Good and from who and why?

So I've been known to have very vivid dreams; most of which scare or worry the mess out of me and they range from spiritual or nightmare on elm street to love, lust and other crazy nonsense type dreams. Last night I had a dream that when I woke, had me first thinking I need to call or get in touch with the guy who married my husband and I, and then I thought about each of my brothers and then it hit me...all the visuals of the dream started coming to memory. Specifics like how dark it was, literally, no light or very little light, and my feeling of security for myself but my fear for others. Notice I said "for" others, not of others. I fight back the urge to cry even now, because the sense of desperation and loss and the feeling of helplessness that I held in the dream was very overpowering... Here.... let me just tell you the dream... bare with me... I'm going to describe things the best I can.

I'm not sure exactly of the first part of my dream. I want to say it was Robby and I. We were on our way to visit a friend I hadn't seen since high school. We found her house easy enough, walked into the house and talked with she and someone else for a little while. The next thing I know I'm looking for my old vets office (and I don't have an "old vet" so I have no idea how he was my old vet in this dream). His office had moved and while I was in the process of looking for it, I ran into other people like my mother-in-law and someone else I knew but I have no idea who at this point. I know I ended up at a place where I was going to bed, but for some reason I was worried that Satan was coming to take people that night. I discussed this with the person I was with, who wasn't my husband but I can't say whether that person was male or female either. I want to say the person was male but I want to say he was of God too... like an angel but I don't know for sure. Anyway... I kept telling everyone that I talked to that they needed to know what was about to happen. I can't remember if people took me seriously or not, but I remember feeling alone in my belief. That night, another man appeared... dark... no features really... just a dark presents. He didn't have any hair, I remember that much. He stuck his hand out to me and I turned away saying "I don't belong to you, I belong to Jesus, the righteous one." I said it a couple of times and he quit pursuing me. Then I saw the other man or angel that I'd been with all the time and told him everything. He and I went to where my brother Bobby was and I told Bobby what was happening... then "he" appeared. Here comes that helpless feeling. It was too late, he'd come for my brother and I couldn't stop him. Bobby looked at me with a blank yet fearful stare, curled up on the bed he was lying on and as I watched, his skin turned dark and faded, like he was aging with rapid speed and dying before my eyes. I cried out to him that I would love him forever and ever and that I was so sorry I let him down. I cried and cried, wishing i could stop what was happening but it was something i knew was coming and I had known for a long time. Suddenly I was in a room filled with other people some of which I knew I was always surrounded with like family, but I can't really remember which faces were there. I do remember seeing Robby's Aunt Rose walk in and I do remember seeing my step mom there... I remember telling everyone what was happening and that I knew "he" was going to get Brandon next and that I was scared to death for him because he would have to go through it alone with no one there... I'd been there for Bobby but Brandon would be all alone, lost... I remember crying and feeling so helpless... but it's at that point that I wake up. I lay still thinking "I need to tell Kevin", and then revisiting the images and the feelings and the fear. And then I just started to cry which woke Robby who was worried in his sleepiness.... he knows my dreams, when I have them, get the best of me.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to view this dream.... is there meaning behind it? Was it meant to be an evil dream from the Enemy? Was it meant to tell me something according to the Word Of God? I know the bible talks about the return of the Lord being like a "thief",

Revelation 16:15
"Behold, I come like a thief! Blessed is he who stays awake and keeps his clothes with him, so that he may not go naked and be shamefully exposed." 


1Thessalonians 5:2 
for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night.


But even with these words from the Lord telling us of his return and how it will happen do they have any meaning in my dream... is my dream a message needing to be deciphered? The urges I have now are to run and tell the world that God is coming and that something even worse will be coming to... death in darkness and eternal loneliness...but that doesn't even scrape the top of it...




(I probably won't proof read this because the dream is so fresh it was hard to type without crying from the feelings that come from the visuals and remembering, and I don't want to cry again)